Bigoted fanatics need to be laughed at -- and taken seriously

I've been trying to think of a way to make political points against those so far out on the right that they see Mitch McConnell as a dangerous liberal.

Marion Robertson

The people like the Rev. Marion (Pat) Robertson, who thinks anything horrible that happens in the world is God punishing humanity. Of course he may be prejudiced. His father Absalom -- no kidding, although he went by his middle name Willis -- gave him a name far more popular for girl children.

So as Piyush (Bobby) Jindal would decades later, young Marion decided that he needed a name that made him sound more like a real boy.

Imagine how he felt in the late 20th century, when thanks to "Saturday Night Live" and Julia Sweeney, his chosen name became almost a joke for the mostly androgynous.

Now this is mostly silly, although the names Absalom and Marion are real. I have no idea who started calling young Marion "Pat," although I doubt it was anything as silly as young Piyush Jindal wishing he were one of the boys on "The Brady Bunch."

The fact is, you cannot get into serious arguments with these people, and one of the worst things that has happened to our country is that people like Rev. Pat and his late friend Jerome Falwell are taken seriously and not just seen as the douchebags they are.

Most of their fame comes from the total explosion in media outlets with the coming of cable television and later with the Internet. Rev. Jerome started the so-called Moral Majority, which generated one of the great buttons of the early 1980s.

Most of the so-called Religious Right is desperately trying to stand astride history screaming, "Stop!" As our society evolves into one more tolerant and open to most kinds of people, we see laws like the "Religious Freedom Restoration Act," passed in Indiana so that bakers can't be forced to make wedding cakes in the shape of a cock and balls for a wedding between two men.

An apparently confused Gov. Mike Pence, who appears to have been frightened by the uproar and threatened boycotts of his state, said today that the bill did not allow discrimination against anyone. Of course that's kind of silly. There's no other purpose to a bill like that.

Just watch.

Instead of "No shirt, no shoes, no service," Indiana businesses will put up signs with a much more succinct message:

"NO HOMOS"

The sad part of it is that most people -- even most religious people -- in Indiana are not closed-minded bigots. They're almost certainly embarrassed at the way their politicians roll over and show their bellies whenever the fanatics start getting worked up.

What can we do?

Well, electing better people would be a start, but that would also require keeping up with what is really happening instead of just what we see on television.

These days, that's a lot to ask.

Of course, with the country slipping away ...

Another look at letters from our readers, living and dead

We get mail ...

To the editor --

People like you never seem to learn. When you attack gun aficionados by saying they must be underequipped in the genitalia area, you are obviously unfamiliar with real men. They don't call me "Anaconda" for nothing.

WAYNE (TINY) LAPIERRE
Mogadishu, Somalia

***

To the editor --

Better listen to him, Skippy. I've been dead for nearly six years and they won't let me off the hook. These gun guys are harder to get away from than the Mafia.

CHUCK HESTON
Cold Dead Hands, ID

***

To the editor --

Don't you realize that fake letters to the editor went out of style when the National Lampoon stopped publishing more than 20 years ago? The seventies are over, dude.

P.J. O'ROURKE
Nixon, N.M.

***

To the editor --

So you really don't believe I was unaware of what my evil subordinates did to hurt the good people of Fort Lee, NJ? You really think I am a bully who punishes my political opponents? You know as much about politics as I do about tap dancing.

CHRIS CHRISTIE
Soprano, N.J.

***

To the editor --

I don't know why, but I certainly thought dying would be different than this. For one thing, it's impossible to get a decent cup of tea. For another, there are people here who aren't English. And could someone please tell that American with the orange hair to stop following me around and trying to kiss me.

LADY THATCHER

Afterlife, U.K.

***

To the editor --

For all our hopes that you would someday mature, it appears you are still unable to respect your betters as you should. To be as sarcastic in your remarks about such a great educator as Professor Mick Curran and his work with young minds simply shows your feelings of inferiority. When you write about him, you even do ridiculous things like using pictures of other, less attractive Mick Currans. Have you no sense of propriety, sir?"

KEITH JOHN

Secret Identity, CA

***

To the editor -- 

When I was still alive, I felt like kicking the crap out of Sam Kinison for his jokes about how I got stuck playing Captain Kangaroo for 30 years. Not that he wasn't right. I did want to play Willy Loman or do Shakespeare. But now that we're both dead. I see Sam isn't actually a bad guy at all, and he sure did nail what it was like to be married. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!"

ROBERT KEESHAN

Marsupial Heaven

***

To the editor --

The captain doesn't know what he's talking about. Kinison's a jerk. He said when I realized I was Mr. Green Jeans, I took my own life. That's bullcrap. I had anal cancer. Maybe I should have taken my own life, but I always hoped they would bring back "Uncle Lumpy's Cabin" and Keeshan could be my sidekick. Life isn't fair.

HUGH BRANNUM

Green Acres

***

To the editor -- 

You must be one of those left-wing idiots who doesn't have any good sense at all. When I wrote that letter to the Iranians, I knew it wouldn't cause any trouble. Dude, Iranians don't speak English. If I wanted them to understand it, I would have written it in Iranian. Duh.  That's why I'm a U.S. senator and you're a, well, whatever it is you are. And I'm warning you, don't make it look like I'm some town with a disgusting name like Pus, Texas. I'm going to be president someday and you'll be sorry.

TOM COTTON

Toilet Baby, Oklahoma

***

To the editor --

This is to inform you that "Toilet Baby" is the trademarked possession of me, the hottest young female comedian since Totie Fields. Each time you use the term, you must send $0.25 to me, care of my agent. I know it isn't much, but hey, I'm not Kathleen Madigan. Maybe someday.

NATASHA LEGGERO

Rockford Files, Illinois

Tough to accomplish much when you're frightened of failure

"Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul."

Most of us lead three lives.

There's the first one, the one described in the above quote from "The Wonder Years," although it's more than memories that stay with us and childhood doesn't end at the same time for everyone.

At 16, not grown

Some kids are grown at 16, others when they finish high school or college. Some never get there, at least unscarred.

The second life is adulthood, when we make our mark on the world for better or worse. It ends when we allow it to, or when it is forced on us.

The third and final one is retirement, when we enjoy the results of our years working and look back at the things we did and didn't do. The idea there is that if you have provided well for retirement, you can enjoy life within the limitations of your aging mind and body.

My own childhood lasted far too long. I don't know why, and I really have no one to blame but myself, but I grew up frightened of so many things. My talents were things I didn't value enough, and what my fraternity brother Lee Strang would later refer to as "social skills" were definite weaknesses.