Another look at letters from our readers, living and dead

We get mail ...

To the editor --

People like you never seem to learn. When you attack gun aficionados by saying they must be underequipped in the genitalia area, you are obviously unfamiliar with real men. They don't call me "Anaconda" for nothing.

WAYNE (TINY) LAPIERRE
Mogadishu, Somalia

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To the editor --

Better listen to him, Skippy. I've been dead for nearly six years and they won't let me off the hook. These gun guys are harder to get away from than the Mafia.

CHUCK HESTON
Cold Dead Hands, ID

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To the editor --

Don't you realize that fake letters to the editor went out of style when the National Lampoon stopped publishing more than 20 years ago? The seventies are over, dude.

P.J. O'ROURKE
Nixon, N.M.

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To the editor --

So you really don't believe I was unaware of what my evil subordinates did to hurt the good people of Fort Lee, NJ? You really think I am a bully who punishes my political opponents? You know as much about politics as I do about tap dancing.

CHRIS CHRISTIE
Soprano, N.J.

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To the editor --

I don't know why, but I certainly thought dying would be different than this. For one thing, it's impossible to get a decent cup of tea. For another, there are people here who aren't English. And could someone please tell that American with the orange hair to stop following me around and trying to kiss me.

LADY THATCHER

Afterlife, U.K.

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To the editor --

For all our hopes that you would someday mature, it appears you are still unable to respect your betters as you should. To be as sarcastic in your remarks about such a great educator as Professor Mick Curran and his work with young minds simply shows your feelings of inferiority. When you write about him, you even do ridiculous things like using pictures of other, less attractive Mick Currans. Have you no sense of propriety, sir?"

KEITH JOHN

Secret Identity, CA

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To the editor -- 

When I was still alive, I felt like kicking the crap out of Sam Kinison for his jokes about how I got stuck playing Captain Kangaroo for 30 years. Not that he wasn't right. I did want to play Willy Loman or do Shakespeare. But now that we're both dead. I see Sam isn't actually a bad guy at all, and he sure did nail what it was like to be married. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!"

ROBERT KEESHAN

Marsupial Heaven

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To the editor --

The captain doesn't know what he's talking about. Kinison's a jerk. He said when I realized I was Mr. Green Jeans, I took my own life. That's bullcrap. I had anal cancer. Maybe I should have taken my own life, but I always hoped they would bring back "Uncle Lumpy's Cabin" and Keeshan could be my sidekick. Life isn't fair.

HUGH BRANNUM

Green Acres

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To the editor -- 

You must be one of those left-wing idiots who doesn't have any good sense at all. When I wrote that letter to the Iranians, I knew it wouldn't cause any trouble. Dude, Iranians don't speak English. If I wanted them to understand it, I would have written it in Iranian. Duh.  That's why I'm a U.S. senator and you're a, well, whatever it is you are. And I'm warning you, don't make it look like I'm some town with a disgusting name like Pus, Texas. I'm going to be president someday and you'll be sorry.

TOM COTTON

Toilet Baby, Oklahoma

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To the editor --

This is to inform you that "Toilet Baby" is the trademarked possession of me, the hottest young female comedian since Totie Fields. Each time you use the term, you must send $0.25 to me, care of my agent. I know it isn't much, but hey, I'm not Kathleen Madigan. Maybe someday.

NATASHA LEGGERO

Rockford Files, Illinois