-- LEGENDARILY BAD SONG
Some months back, a friend of mine asked me to compile a list of what I thought were the best songs ever. I put a great deal of time into it and picked a top 100. It was tougher than I thought, mostly because there are so many good songs.
Well, there are plenty of horrible songs too.
It's not worth a top 100, but it could be worth a bottom 12. And of course, it's highly subjective. Barry Sadler's "Ballad of the Green Berets" was a million seller, but in 1968, radio station WUVA in Charlottesville called it the worst song ever. I'm going to leave that one out, but there's another song from around that same period I can't ignore.
Sometimes the losers are remakes. The song quoted at the beginning was one of the worst of the late 60s without question, but it was a reworking of a lovely song by Jacques Brel called "Le Moribund."
Then there are songs like "Havin' My Baby," by Paul Anka, which became a weapon in the abortion debate in the mid 70s.
There are also sweet songs that some people love and others run for the porcelain bus when they hear the intro, songs like "You Light Up My Life." You get the picture.
If you heard Pat Boone's version of "Tutti Frutti" after hearing Little Richard sing it, you might want to remove Mr. Boone's larynx with a rusted fork. Still that's the way it was in the 50s, and people like Mr. Penniman made good money off the no-soul versions of their songs.
So we'll disqualify those.
Here's the Terrible 12. I'm pretty sure you can find versions of all of them on YouTube.
12. "Sometimes When We Touch," Dan Hill, 1978 -- A one-hit wonder, I believe, Mr. Hill apparently flunked out of lyric-writing school. I can forgive his "Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much," but when you get to "I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truth, an innocent prize fighter, still trapped within my youth."
A pretty smarmy song, one that actually was covered by Mr. Rod Stewart. Go figure.
11. "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia," Vicky Lawrence, 1973 -- Back in the day, which I believe was a Friday, my wonderful friend Bill Madden dissected this song about an innocent man being executed better than I could have imagined. He pointed out that "the night the lights went out in Georgia" would seem to refer to electrical surges for the use of Old Sparky.
But the next line of the song is "That's the night they hung an innocent man," and hanging requires no electricity. Then a later line complicates it even more with "and the judge in the town has bloodstains on his hand," ignoring the fact that electrocution and hanging are both bloodless.
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| "The Night ..." |
But the next line of the song is "That's the night they hung an innocent man," and hanging requires no electricity. Then a later line complicates it even more with "and the judge in the town has bloodstains on his hand," ignoring the fact that electrocution and hanging are both bloodless.
Bonus points for the song being made into a movie vehicle for Kristy McNichol.
10. "Achy Breaky Heart," Billy Ray Cyrus," 1992 -- William has a lot to answer for. One, when his loins were fruitful, he gave us Destiny Hope Cyrus, aka Miley Ray Cyrus. Two, he can never be forgiven for popularizing the mullet, although it's practically as good an indicator of stupidity as Bill Engvall's siongs.
But in 1992, William had Red America rocking (as much as white people can), to "Achy Breaky Heart," quite probably the worst song ever to cross over from country to pop and become a hit.
9. "Kung Fu Fighting," Carl Douglas, 1974 -- Another song from the 70s, and I'm really not sure it belongs on this list. For one thing, it accomplishes exactly what it sets out to do and has no pretensions. It's catchy and fun and I rarely find myself turning it off.
Oddly, it reminds me a lot of the Jhoon Rhee ads I heard for tae kwon do classes when I was growing up in Northern Virginia. "Nobody bothers me."
So it's on the list, but heck. It's only No. 9.
8. "The Girl is Mine," Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson, 1982 -- Imagine this. Two of the greatest talents of the last 50 years doing a song produced by Quincy Jones. It's on one of the very best selling albums of all time.
But look at the picture. McCartney is wearing maybe the ugliest sweater ever that doesn't contain a reindeer, and Jacko has the goofiest smile on his face. Worst of all, these two stars are singing about fighting over a girl. My guess is that "the doggone girl" didn't want up with Jacko.
7. "My Humps," Black Eyed Peas, 2005 -- I had never heard this song until I heard comedian Natasha Leggero make fun of it. Since then I've seen numerous critics call it the worst song ever, with the most horrible lyrics. So it makes my list.
I guess it's another example, as Leggero put it, of Fergie trying to give an SUV and STD.
6. "We Built This City," Starship, 1985 -- I actually like this song, and it not only reached No. 1 on the charts, it was nominated for a Grammy.
But it's just a little too slick and it sounds exactly like what it's trying to make fun of, the corporatization of rock music. Compare the slickness here to songs like "Somebody to Love" and "White Rabbit" in 1967, when Gracie Slick was a goddess.
5. "Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks, 1974 -- And here we are back in the 70s. The original version of this song by the great Jacques Brel was sad but also powerful, a man saying goodbye to those who have been part of his life. His lyrics contain both sarcasm and bite, and when he says to his friend Emile that "because I know you are as good as white bread, I know that you will take care of my wife."
In case that's difficult to understand, the French barely consider white bread as bread.
Compare that to Jacks' sing-songy "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun."
The lyrics for the reworking were done by Rod McKuen, which is pretty much all you need to know. It's awful.
4. "Honey," Bobby Goldsboro, 1968 -- I actually gave consideration for this one at the top of the list, but there's at least a niceness about it that the next three songs lack. The song about a young husband who loses his wife topped the Billboard Hot 100 for five weeks and was also a big hit in Britain and Australia.
Maybe it should even make the list, but it's just too damn sappy. One thing I never have been able to locate was a parody song from around the same time in which the subject of the song was the tree that Honey loved.
3. "Tie A Yellow Ribbon," Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973 -- I didn't much care for this one when it came out. Pretty much the only song of theirs I liked was the one about the stripper, but "Yellow Ribbon" probably would have faded into forgetfulness for me if it hadn't been for the Ayatollah Khomeini.
It has been 37 years since Khomeini and his Iranian "students" made Ronald Reagan president, and I'm not sure who the PR person who came up with the gimmick was, but all of a sudden there were yellow ribbons over oak trees all across America. I'm not sure they realized they were equating our hostages with a guy coming home from three years in prison.
Garry Trudeau said it best when Uncle Duke -- the 54th hostage -- came home after the others and was disappointed that his caretaker Zeke had put up the wrong color of ribbon. "Sorry man," Zeke said. "I'm not into Tony Orlando."
Me either.
2. "Feelings," Morris Albert, 1974 -- Actually this song is one of the funniest memories of my first marriage. This song was a big hit the year we were engaged, and she used to love to drop her voice and say "Feelins ..." The song itself is infamous for the goofy chorus -- "Feelings, whoa whoa whoa feelings ..."
There are certainly people who prefer this song to Debbie Boone's massive hit three years later, but "You Light Up My Life" was somehow less objectionable to me than "Feelins."
So now we reach the top of the list. There are certainly plenty of horrible songs I haven't even mentioned, songs like "Disco Duck," "They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha Ha" and others. And we haven't even touched the oeuvre of Britney Spears.
But seriously, the song I consider the worst song of all time is probably one many of you have never heard. But it combines awfulness and meanness in a way few other songs do.
And it's NOT from the 70s.
How about that.
1. "An Open Letter to My Teenage Son," Victor Lundberg, 1967 -- This song probably widened the generation gap. Lundberg was a newsman at a radio station in Grand Rapids, Mich., who recorded this spoken word song as a father answering his teenage son's questions about long hair and beards, belief in God and protesting against the Vietnam War.
It isn't really a song, although he speaks over background music of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic." I can't really say much more. You really just ought to hear it. And just in case you think this was the way all adults felt at the time, I'm going to post Johnny Cash's "What is Truth?" from three years later. It's not being posted as an example of a bad song. It's pretty wonderful.
Compare and contrast.
But it's just a little too slick and it sounds exactly like what it's trying to make fun of, the corporatization of rock music. Compare the slickness here to songs like "Somebody to Love" and "White Rabbit" in 1967, when Gracie Slick was a goddess.
5. "Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks, 1974 -- And here we are back in the 70s. The original version of this song by the great Jacques Brel was sad but also powerful, a man saying goodbye to those who have been part of his life. His lyrics contain both sarcasm and bite, and when he says to his friend Emile that "because I know you are as good as white bread, I know that you will take care of my wife."
In case that's difficult to understand, the French barely consider white bread as bread.
Compare that to Jacks' sing-songy "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun."
The lyrics for the reworking were done by Rod McKuen, which is pretty much all you need to know. It's awful.
4. "Honey," Bobby Goldsboro, 1968 -- I actually gave consideration for this one at the top of the list, but there's at least a niceness about it that the next three songs lack. The song about a young husband who loses his wife topped the Billboard Hot 100 for five weeks and was also a big hit in Britain and Australia.
Maybe it should even make the list, but it's just too damn sappy. One thing I never have been able to locate was a parody song from around the same time in which the subject of the song was the tree that Honey loved.
3. "Tie A Yellow Ribbon," Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973 -- I didn't much care for this one when it came out. Pretty much the only song of theirs I liked was the one about the stripper, but "Yellow Ribbon" probably would have faded into forgetfulness for me if it hadn't been for the Ayatollah Khomeini.
It has been 37 years since Khomeini and his Iranian "students" made Ronald Reagan president, and I'm not sure who the PR person who came up with the gimmick was, but all of a sudden there were yellow ribbons over oak trees all across America. I'm not sure they realized they were equating our hostages with a guy coming home from three years in prison.
Garry Trudeau said it best when Uncle Duke -- the 54th hostage -- came home after the others and was disappointed that his caretaker Zeke had put up the wrong color of ribbon. "Sorry man," Zeke said. "I'm not into Tony Orlando."
Me either.
2. "Feelings," Morris Albert, 1974 -- Actually this song is one of the funniest memories of my first marriage. This song was a big hit the year we were engaged, and she used to love to drop her voice and say "Feelins ..." The song itself is infamous for the goofy chorus -- "Feelings, whoa whoa whoa feelings ..."
There are certainly people who prefer this song to Debbie Boone's massive hit three years later, but "You Light Up My Life" was somehow less objectionable to me than "Feelins."
So now we reach the top of the list. There are certainly plenty of horrible songs I haven't even mentioned, songs like "Disco Duck," "They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha Ha" and others. And we haven't even touched the oeuvre of Britney Spears.
But seriously, the song I consider the worst song of all time is probably one many of you have never heard. But it combines awfulness and meanness in a way few other songs do.
And it's NOT from the 70s.
How about that.
1. "An Open Letter to My Teenage Son," Victor Lundberg, 1967 -- This song probably widened the generation gap. Lundberg was a newsman at a radio station in Grand Rapids, Mich., who recorded this spoken word song as a father answering his teenage son's questions about long hair and beards, belief in God and protesting against the Vietnam War.
It isn't really a song, although he speaks over background music of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic." I can't really say much more. You really just ought to hear it. And just in case you think this was the way all adults felt at the time, I'm going to post Johnny Cash's "What is Truth?" from three years later. It's not being posted as an example of a bad song. It's pretty wonderful.
Compare and contrast.
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