Proud of being white? You're getting excited about the wrong things

"I'm free, white and 21. ..."

It may seem difficult to believe, but once was the time people actually took pride in the color of their skin.

Seems strange to me, just as it seems odd that people take pride in their ethnicity, their gender or any number of other things they have little or no control over.

It's like being proud because you have red hair.

Or hair at all after a certain age.

Actually, I figure if you're male and you live long enough, you're going to lose either hair or teeth unless you're very fortunate. Theoretically, at least, you can increase your odds by taking really good care of your teeth. But if there's a teenager who listens when someone says if they don't floss every day, they'll be wearing dentures by age 50, I have yet to meet him.

Heck, all teenagers know they'll never be 50.

Yes, there are things in which we can take pride and things we have no business caring about.

White man

Proud to be white? Well, a fellow named Hitler was white, and I'm not sure anyone ever took greater pride in being white than old Adolf did. And those Americans who are such failures at life that the only thing they can be proud of is the color of their skin won't let him be forgotten.

Amazingly, as the role of white people seems to shrink as years pass, there are those who try and compensate by insisting that everyone who ever mattered in history was white.

Santa Claus is white?

Actually, it's more important to remember -- at least if you're past the age of 7 -- that Santa Claus is a fictional character. He can be whatever you want him to be.

Jesus was white?

Uh, probably not. Most of the folks living in the Middle East 2,000 years ago were hardly white, although I suppose the occupying Roman soldiers would qualify as a swarthy white.

It's all such bullshit, though. Look at the flip side of it. If people who are born white get to feel proud of themselves, then it follows that people who aren't born white should feel ashamed of themselves -- or even inferior.

Ruling the world

Still, the greatest flaw in the argument is that if it's best to be white, if white people truly are meant to rule the world, it would follow the the best thing you could be is an albino.

Nobody is whiter than an albino.

Of course that's silly, just as the whole "white pride" thing is. Still, I do have to say one thing.

To steal a joke from the legendary Dave Barry, I have to admit that Adolf and the Albinos would be an excellent name for a rock band.