Having some fun with things that would never happen

About six years back, I created a list of things based on a Facebook meme that somebody sent me.

"Twenty things you will never hear about me"

I approached it as a way to be at least a little self-deprecating, mostly because I've always believed it hurts less to make fun of yourself than to have other people do it.

So the first 20 things here are the original list from Facebook, and the other five are ones I'm adding now just for fun.

1. There has never been a woman able to resist his charms.

2. He has a hair-trigger temper, and boy, when he loses it ...

3. Damn, he sings well enough that he could have been a star.

4. Michael Bolton and Kenny G never had a bigger fan.

5. If there's a harder-working guy anywhere, I'd love to meet him.

6. When they say "white men can't jump," they didn't mean him.


7. He taught Spielberg everything he knows about directing.

8. He shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

9. The day he quit medical school was a sad day for the medical profession.

10. He could have been president, except for that woman in Singapore.

11. Guy's got no sense of humor at all.

12. I'd like to buy him for what he thinks he's worth and sell him for what he's worth.

13. You heard he turned down the Al Pacino role in "The Godfather."

14. He never said he invented the Internet, just that he gave Al Gore a few suggestions.

15. Of course he broke Sharon Stone's heart. She should have known a guy like that would never be satisfied with just one woman.

16. He's a crummy father. He hasn't talked to his kids in years.

17. He gives Chuck Norris lessons in macho.

18. If he hadn't quit playing baseball, he'd have gone straight to the majors.

19. The last time he got into a fight, the other guy was in the hospital for three months.

20. He's the best looking guy I've ever seen.

Now the new ones:

21. They say guys get more conservative when they get older, but he makes Dick Cheney look like a bleeding-heart liberal.

22. Hollywood just optioned his novel for a movie with a $100 million budget.

23. Now that he's completely fluent in French, he and his wife are moving to Paris.

24. You had to figure that when extraterrestrials finally made contact with the people of Earth, they would go through him.

25. Woodstock wouldn't have been half as memorable if he hadn't gotten up there and jammed with Jimi Hendrix.