A 20th-Century Californian gets a little bit snarky about Florida

Two of my closest friends in the world live in Florida, one in Sarasota and the other in Lake City after living earlier in Miami. I have only been in the state twice, in Fort Lauderdale for spring break in 1980 and Cape Canaveral for the Cassini launch in the fall of 1997. On my second visit, I was a columnist for a Southern California newspaper, and I wrote about the famous feud between Florida and California. From October 12, 1997, here is:

"Florida; tacky, humid and crowded: What's not to love?"

"So, Mike Rappaport, you've finished your latest column. What are you going to do next?"

"I'm going to Disney World."

Well, not exactly.

I may or may not make it to the Happiest Place on the East Coast this time, but I am flying into Orlando and heading over to Cape Canaveral for the launch of the Cassini spacecraft.

I didn't have much choice in the matter. My lovely wife has been working on NASA's Saturn exploration mission for the last seven years, so this is a very important moment for her.

Nicole is already at the Cape, and our son and I will jet in with an eye on seeing that giant Titan rocket lift off at about 2 a.m. PDT Monday morning.

It's just a shame it had to be in Florida. You see, I have never liked that state -- Dave Barry, Travis McGee and the Miami Dolphins notwithstanding.

The southernmost part of our country is far too humid, crowded and tacky for my tastes.

I've only been there once, so I know this is kind of a rush to judgment, but believe me, once was more than enough. I spent an unbelievably difficult week if Fort Lauderdale in 1980. Everything that could have gone wrong, did.

The natives weren't very friendly.

My hotel accommodations were less than five-star.

The food was barely edible, and it came in such small portions.

All in all, I couldn't spring a break. Or break a spring, for that matter.

I never had the slightest desire to go back.

It may be different when you're living in the East and you've got winters to cope with. I suppose then an occasionally trip down to Miami can be fairly pleasant. I do recall walking on the beach at Lauderdale in 89-degree heat during the first week in March 1980. That was definitely above average, especially since it was 70 degrees colder back home in Virginia.

But I live in California now, and why anyone would want to leave California for Florida is beyond me. Florida is nothing more than California Lite. Any comparison makes that obvious.

After all:

-- We've got the J. Paul Getty Museum, Huntington Gardens and the Norton Simon Museum.  They're got Snakeworld, Alligatorland and Manatee Pond.

-- We've got the Golden Gate, they've got the Golden Girls.

-- We've got Caltech, Stanford and other institutions of higher learning. They've got the Ringling Brothers Clown College.

-- We've got the Rose Bowl, they've got a 64-lane all-night Bowl-O-Rama just outside Kissimmee.

-- We've got California redwoods, they've got Spanish moss and kudzu.

-- We've got Barbra Streisand, they've got Anita Bryant. (Well, maybe that one is a tossup)

-- We've got California Condors, the bird with the largest wingspan in the world. They've got mosquitoes that run a close second.

-- We've got world famous restaurants all up and down our state. They've got donut shops every 50 feet along the Tamiami Trail.

-- We get visitors from Japan, Australia and most of Europe. They get tourists from New Jersey, dressed in their colorful native costumes of Bermuda shorts, white socks and sandals.

I think we all know which is the better place to be.

Of course I'm sure there will be people who will take issue with this. There must be at least a few folks who have been to Florida and enjoyed themselves. After all, it is one of America's leading tourist destinations.

Disney World is there.

So are Universal Studios.

Rumor has it they're very proud of their orange groves.

Sound like anyplace we know?

Maybe I'm not being entirely fair. Florida does have a few things that set it apart from the other 49 states.

Poisonous coral snakes.

Deadly walking catfish.

And worst of all ... the Kennedy Compound.

That's why I won't be spending any more time in the "Sunshine State" than absolutely necessary.

I'll watch the launch, have a meal or two and hop a flight before the weekly hurricane hits.

I need to leave quickly anyway. I'm fresh out of clean socks to wear with my sandals.

***

It has been 16 years since I wrote that column for a California audience, and these days I find myself living a lot closer to Florida than I did then. I do love Jimmy Buffett, and I find there are at least a couple of places in Florida I would like to see.